You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February 2008.
(not to be confused with “Addicted to Soda”, an ailment plaguing 73% of Americans)
There’s this thing out there social scientists call a “para-social relationship.” It’s the kind of relationship where Bob knows a lot about Joe, but Joe doesn’t know squat about Bob.
Of course, “Joe” is some A-list celebrity whose face is plastered all over magazines and TV. And “Bob” is a late-teened or early-twentied girl who needs to realize that people.com is not the best source to find out world news.
Now, I’ve never been one to believe these Sociologists – I hear the jury is still out on science – but I think they may be on to something. More and more people seem to be obsessed with break-ups and baby bumps and Dr. Martens. And more and more media outlets are feeding that obsession.
It’s a vicious cycle, really. A few IQ-lacking people seek out the latest in entertainment news and celebrity gossip, which makes media organizations think it’s something people care about. So they produce a weeklong series on Anna Nicole Smith, or something equally ridiculous. The general populous notices this extensive coverage, and so they think it’s something important, something worth following. Under the guise of real news, more and more people watch it. When the number of viewers goes up, the news stations think it’s of serious interest to people, so they keep covering it. This repeats over and over again until pictures of emaciated children in Africa have been replaced with pictures of anorexic starlets in Hollywood.
And even though I’m a member of the media, and it’s the very industry I plan to someday sell my soul to, I really think they’re the ones to blame. The media moguls are more concerned about ratings than serving the general public. Ethics, morals and fundamental journalistic principles are pushed aside as stories are aired and published. The line between fiction and non-fiction becomes blurry, and stories are sensationalized and biased as writers, publishers and producers convince themselves that omitting facts is not the same as lying.
And people just eat it up.
But I do understand where these executives are coming from. Wouldn’t you do the same thing? Tabloids are flying off the shelf faster than Lindsay Lohan goes back to rehab (zing!) But seriously folks, the general public has proven time and time again they can’t be trusted to make decisions for themselves. When it comes to deciding what is important and worthwhile, their judgment is usually impaired
It’s bad enough “American Idol” is the highest rated show on television, but then to have someone like Sanjaya Malaker stay on for weeks?
It’s bad enough more votes are cast nowadays through cell phones than ballot boxes, but then to actually elect George W. Bush as president?
Twice?
It’s bad enough people flock to reality shows like Paris Hilton to court appearances, but then to religiously watch a reality television show with Tiffany “New York” Pollard?
Three times?
Come on people. As fun as it is to watch the “reality” that is Laguna Beach, you cannot replace real reality – you know, like, real life – with someone else’s reality. It’s time to stop living your life through celebrities. Sure you may not be as smart, good-looking or talented as they, and your life is probably a lot more boring, but it’s time to realize anything involving Britney Spears is NOT news.
So think about your para-social relationships. How much are you getting out of it? Is that person there for you when you need them? Is their shoulder available for crying if need be? Do they ever call, just to say hi?
If not, it may be time to break it off. They obviously don’t care about you at all.
That is all.
For some, Provo is a place where futures are realized. For others, it’s a place where awkwardness is discovered. But for any young man who arrived at BYU with a guitar strapped to his back, it’s a place where dreams die.
Mormon boys are taught early on to develop their talents. This means they learn to play the piano. Sure, there are plenty of other good talents out there, but parents don’t care about those. Being able to shred on the guitar isn’t going to help when serving a mission in some foreign country where no one knows how to play the piano (even though they’ll probably end up someplace like Zimbabwe where pianos haven’t been invented yet).
So, they take the requisite few years of piano lessons until they convince their mothers not to force it upon them anymore. Then they save up their money for a guitar and dedicate their lives to becoming rock stars. Apart from the jocks, they’re the most popular kids in high school (because, really, you can’t compete with the letterman jacket). Realizing rock-dom is a great way to get chicks, they commit themselves fully to their trade and plan on making a career for themselves. Then make the worst decision of their lives.
They come to BYU.
You see, where they were once the cream of the crop – with their band name that surely started with “The” – they’re now a dime a dozen. Everyone at BYU plays guitar, and probably better than they do. They contemplate reverting back to their piano days, but don’t because they realize they’ll never be as good as that piano performance major in their ward who, growing up, was undoubtedly beaten if he didn’t practice.
This sad story repeats itself every year, making Provo the highest city in the country, per capita, for guitars collecting dust.
But there are some who overcome the oppression of BYU. They may not be topping the charts, but they stay sharp on their skills.
Now, don’t misunderstand. I’m not talking about that young man you see around still using the guitar as a tactic to get girls. You know, the one who presses on, not out of dedication or commitment to music, but out of delirium. The one who is still living that high school dream hoping girls will flock to his feet and swoon at his “deep” lyrics.
He wears only plaid shorts or pre-ripped jeans, and usually has several popped collars. If wearing a t-shirt, it will almost have something “clever” printed on it like “Kenya Dig It?” or some ‘90s video game icon. He wears puka shell necklaces – but thinks it’s spelled “pooka” – even though he’s never been to the beach. He can almost always be seen with an energy drink in hand, citing his recent or eminent trip to the gym as his reason for having it. When in public, not only will he “casually” be displaying his cell phone at every opportunity, but he’ll mostly likely be flexing while he does it. Most physical processes – like walking, speaking and thinking – are done much more slowly than a normal person. He cannot contribute to any conversation which doesn’t involve girls, cars, gyms, extreme sports or Xbox.
Yeah, I’m not talking about that guy. Not the guy who is ruining the guitar for the rest of us. Not the guy who learned one song on the guitar ten years ago – most likely “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” by Green Day – then plays it at parties and, for some reason, thinks it’s impressive he’s still living in the ‘90s.
No, I’m talking about the noble few who, from time to time, pull out that dusty guitar even though their music-career aspirations have been snuffed out by reality. That even though their guitaring may have never fully come to fruition, they still play in the privacy of their bedrooms. They don’t play for fame or for women, but for fun and for themselves.
But, you know, if fame, money or women just happen to come along, even better.
That is all.
Magazines are often filled with, what we refer to in the industry as, “How-to articles.” It turns out that creativity was invented after journalism.
Anyway, these articles give simple steps or advice to accomplish a certain task. They may teach how to program a VCR, how to train for a marathon or how to not get caught harboring a cat in BYU approved housing. Most of these articles have long lists or many steps that, even if you do read through the whole list, you would be so worn out from the brain activity you wouldn’t have the strength to actually do anything.
But this how-to article is different. It’s just one step. And it will teach you everything you need to know about how to not be so stressed about school.
College is a difficult time. Not only are there the demands of academia, but also of friendsia and churchia. On top of all that, tests and projects seem to congregate into the same weeks, which is most likely because all of your professors hate you. As the stress builds, you wonder what you can do to overcome the burden.
So here is the one-step answer to a stress-free college experience:
Stop caring.
Most college students have a misconception that if they work hard, they’ll have a better future. This is usually because they have been raised by parents who value “commitment” and “hard work” and “children who don’t waste the tuition money we’re giving you.”
An even greater misconception is that getting a degree will make a difference for your career. In reality, plenty of people have made it in the real world without college degrees. And many who have college degrees never use them. Life is pretty much the luck of the draw, so you’re either going to make it big or you’re doomed to forever clip coupons, watch Maury Povich and any other poor-person stereotype you can think of.
And deep down inside, no one is really THAT committed to education. People just convince themselves they care about their schooling because they think that’s what they should do. But there’s no point in pretending to be someone you’re not.
Don’t pretend to be smart if you’re actually stupid. Don’t pretend to be diligent if you’re actually a slacker. Don’t pretend to be a math major if deep down inside you’re actually a musician or something ridiculous like that.
So with all this in mind, school should be a lot less stressful for you. You won’t need to study for tests, you won’t bother with projects and you won’t care what your final grades are.
But I suppose there are some who disagree with this mindset. Fine. Here are two other suggestions to limit your stress level, specifically during the most stressful part of the year: finals week.
Usually by the time finals roll around, everyone is already burnt out, so try convincing your professors to have finals at the beginning of the semester, before everyone reaches the “I hate everything about school” level. That way, it won’t be such a rough experience.
The other idea is to take all your finals the first day of finals week. Go to the testing center and take one right after the other. Get your professors to let you take any in-class tests early. Just get them all out of the way. Then you’ll have an extra few days with no classes, no tests and you can just sit back and relax, entertained as you watch all of your roommates stress out as they continue to study.
So now that you have this great advice, enjoy your new stress-free life!
Perhaps you’ve heard this joke before:
What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual
What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual
What do you call someone who speaks one language? American
Living in Provo and only speaking one language is a rarity. I was righteous enough to not have to learn another language for my LDS mission. If I was asked to do so, it would have necessitated my wasting time learning a language instead of focusing on spreading the gospel. So here I am, an English-only American.
But I’m beginning to think my unilingual-ness could actually be a bad thing. Not because I’m uncultured or uneducated, but because English is a stupid language.
Everyone has played this game with a young child just learning their alphabet.
You: What sound does “B” make?
Child: Buh!
You: Good! What sound does “S” make?
Child: Sssss.
Then they probably giggle because they sound like a snake. And you probably giggle because they’re so dang cute!
So in an attempt to relive those precious memories – and to prove a point – I have played that game with people my age. Turns out, it’s a harder game than you might think.
Me: What sound does the letter “Q” make?
Them: Kwuh.
Me: No, “Q-U” makes the “Kwuh” sound. What sound does “Q” make?
Them (After a little pondering): “Kuh”
And then I begin my rant.
“Q” is the most worthless letter in the English alphabet. Not only is it extremely dependent upon the letter “U” but we’ve already got two letters that make the “Kuh” sound – “C” and “K”. What do we need a third one for?
Then some pro-Q-ite is flabbergasted at that idea and attempts to defend the superfluous letter. They cite words like “Queen” and “Quail” stating there would be no way to spell those important words.
However, an easy substitute would be “K-W” for the “Q-U”, or just a “K” for the “Q”. (ie: kween, kueen)
Then the Q-pathizers comment upon the awkwardness of spelling words that way. And then I tell them it’s only because they’re not used to it. And then they get angry about something or other, and then a fist fight ensues – all because they kuestioned the kuality of my alphabetical inkuiry. See? Those words aren’t too awkward.
Speaking of awkward, do you know what’s awkward? The word “awkward” – or “awquard” for all you Q-huggers out there.
I can think of no other word in the English language with a “W-K-W” right in a row. And do you know why there aren’t more words with “W-K-W” in a row?
Because that’s awkward!
And not only do we have this “W-K-W”, we’ve got “A-W-K-W-A”. It’s like it wanted to be a palindrome, but just couldn’t make the cut.
I bet it tries to get into the palindrome parties but can’t. It just has to wait outside until Aibohphobia, Detartrated or Rotavator show up and sneak him in.
It’s kind of sad seeing Awkward there, all by itself.
It’s like when you see a ghoti that doesn’t fit in with the other ghoti.
What? You don’t know what a ghoti is? Do you not speak English? Let me explain.
In the word “enough” what makes the “fff” sound? The “G-H”.
In the word “women” what makes the “ih” sound? The “O”.
In the word “station” what makes the “shh” sound? The “T-I”.
Ghoti = Fish
In terms of application, someone can be ghotiing for compliments, or feel like a ghoti out of water. If something is easy, it’s like shooting ghoti in a barrel. Fat Tony may warn someone if they don’t pay up, they’ll be sleeping with the ghoties. And when something doesn’t seem right, there’s usually something ghotiy going on.
So, I really have no desire to learn any other languages. I’m having a hard enough time making sense of this one.
The four major candidates with a shot at the 2008 Presidential Election are either female, old, black or Mormon.
The chick and the geriatric are polling higher than the Negro and the religion nut. Does this say anything about America?
Are we more prejudiced against race and religion than we are about gender and age? Or, have we really reached a point in our country where we aren’t taking those things into consideration and are only choosing our next president based on the quality of the individual and how they will lead the country for the next four years?
I’d like to say the general populous doesn’t care about those things, but my experience tells me otherwise. I think this election might be a better indicator of how Americans feel about gender, age, race and religion than it will how they feel about immigration, the economy, same-sex marriage and the war in Iraq.
But maybe not. I guess there’s really no way to tell.
